Currently Listening Don't You Fake It (Deluxe Edition CD/DVD) By The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus Guardian Angel see related

A late night, sleepless and bleak -part 4: The last night

(from a dark & cold November night)

Being loved in relation to loving thyself (the tail that wags the dog: then bites it in the ass)

Will I only find love when I am no longer emotionally available or physically capable of giving her the love she truly deserves?

In order to be loved you need a certain degree of love for they self. Yet, how can one be confident in one's self when deep down you know, you have never had that confidence in ever really being loved by a hand that's touched you. Most don't see it this way, but all I have is heartache to remind that this is how it is for me. Its my reality and loneliness, pain, and depravity are my longtime companions.

I know I am flawed, but is there no one who can't see enough good in me to stand by my side? Perhaps there have been and I didn't want any part of them...if so, damn my vanity! I should look in the mirror sometime .

I guess here might be my proverbial wish for Christmas...for life...

What I wish for is to share my joys with,

to hold hands and feel like we're the only two in the world,

to make Our dreams come true,

but most intimately, to wake up next to her thinking I'm the Luckiest

(and her to think the same of me)

Currently Listening Apathetic EP By Relient K The Truth see related

A late night, sleepless and bleak -part 3

(from a dark & cold November night)

Love (I can't go on alone)

I just don't know what role love will play in my life anymore. I'm 23 and have been alone for all but a couple months of a decade's worth of time (as far back as I cared about girls). Its quite tragic then that my worst fear is to never be loved in return, to be alone. This certainly is not for lack of trying...

In the last seven years I've had feelings for 15 young women and attempted to at least show them I was interested (some effort of pursuit). All of whom I opened up to with my heart. Yet, only three even gave me a chance, a thought, a consideration of trying to be closer than friends. All others were too damaged to even give it a shot.

Love? What the frak is it? I know nothing of its tender touch, fluttery kisses of reassurance, or calming security of trust in commitment. There seems little perceived hope of find something so wonderful. Yet it is my cornerstone of sorrows which all other thoughts are transformed into woes and built upon.

Friends say to be patient... who of them have been single longer? Who has wanted or needed companionship more? This advice brings me only resignation now.

TO BE CONTINUED... 

Currently Listening Apathetic EP By Relient K Apathetic Way to Be see related

A late night, sleepless and bleak -part 2

(from a dark & cold November night)

The Struggle (warning: contains mature content!!!)

My mornings drift off into sensual fantasies that are the closest I get to feeling good, only to have that release being so disappointingly temporary. How glorious this part of my sensuality would be if it could be a gift to someone rather than a guilt-ridden curse.

Further delay comes in the shower; even for a brief time I can feel as if my grime and guilt of inability washes away and where my pondering and planning begin... Should the TV be turned on afterwards, there I will be lost in the plot wishing I could be in that story. Hours pass and I am nowhere once again... This needs to change.

As for the house arrest... the punishment of leaving is the real threat of running into someone I might know and taking up the conversation of shame with them on how I'm letting my life turn out. So many times I can't even recall their names though, or any other thing about them, but they remembered me . You might not know this but I'm actually super shy with people I don't know that well (anymore) or trust.

 Fear building upon fear keeping me from the forward motion of maturity. A path being asked of me for my own good. Why does it feel like the only way to go about this is with no one in your corner? So many I see are so self-assured of sufficient that they can do this. Others have an understanding companion to hold and be held by, to be reassured by their touch, words, and believing faith. Yet I have neither yet know full well I can't do this on my own...

TO BE CONTINUED...

Currently Listening All We Know Is Falling By Paramore Emergency see related

Kristin this is in reply to your facebook wall posting...(I'll explain... eventually)

A late night, sleepless and bleak -part 1

The only things I can think of tonight are all the things I've left behind. To me they are everything.

My hopes and dreams have faded out while the nightmares, fears, and addictions remain. I feel abandon by those whom I've loved and cared very much for. Yet, this is the depression talking because friends still care enough to ask and family whom still prod and nag me to keep trudging forward. Its amazing anyone is still listening considering how much of a shut-in I have become. Its like I'm on house-arrest and I suppose its fitting considering what I've become.

I've lied, used, and taken advantage of people out of fear and self-hatred. I often ponder whether I've helped or harmed more in my life. Do I deserve to survive? Would the world be better off? Then I realize the world in its entirety really doesn't even know I exist, or care.

For my friends I'm fortunate to have you in whatever capacity you can provide. You are the part that keeps me struggling on. Oh how I struggle indeed...

TO BE CONTINUED...